He Can’t Hurt You Anymore

Lydia Pappas has so beautifully written every emotion the DV survivor goes through as she is trying to rebuild and maintain her life. When I read this poem, It touched every fiber in my body. Thank you Lydia for showing us that we are not alone.

He Can’t Hurt You Anymore

Those ghosts of the past
How long do they last?

Each year
Their power over me lessens
But they’re still there
Filling me with
Terrors of old
And taunting me by saying
That when I’m old and greying
There will be no one to love me
Because I’m too scarred inside
Too broken by all his lies
And all the torture
He put me through.

But I have to remember
That I don’t have to be ashamed
Of what the past has done to me
Of my limits and fears
My unwept tears
Whatever’s left
Of those woes
Of long ago.

And I no longer have to be afraid.
Instead I can say:

It’s okay
He can’t harm you today.
It was yesterday
That you were struck down
By that foolish clown
Who hurt your children
Before your eyes
And stole your money
With clever lies

Who laughed as he said
“I wish you were dead.
But until that day
Do as I say
Or I’ll bash in your head.”

Those days are over.
He can’t hurt you anymore.

Be as kind to yourself
As you can be
And where this self-love leads you
Remains to be seen.

Don’t shut out love
When it comes your way.
Don’t be so afraid it will go away.
Try to stay close to yourself
To others
And to your feelings too,
Even the feelings
That make you feel so blue.

Domestic Violence: It’s About ME!!

After I had left my abuser, I found it quite hard to communicate how i was feeling. Mainly because unless you have had a been a victim of domestic violence, there honestly is not an easy way to affectively convey all the emotions, the flashbacks, the nightmares, the guilt and the emptiness that we face afterwards. Understandably though, no one can really know what it is like to have a loaded gun staring you right in the face unless you have been there. I was confronted with this situation just today.

I had a telephone conversation with the TDCJ (Texas Department of Criminal Justice). They were explaining to me my rights as a victim and the programs that are offered through the Victim Services Division. These two programs made me wanna reach through the phone and give her a hug.

Victim Offender Mediation/Dialogue (VOMD)

It is not uncommon for states to have victim offender dialogue programs for nonviolent offenses. The uniqueness of the TDCJ program is that it has been developed for victims of violent crime. The VOM/D process can only be initiated at the request of the victim, and offender participation is voluntary. If an offender chooses to participate, he/she must admit guilt and take responsibility for the offense. Either party may withdraw from the VOM/D process at any time. Participation in the VOM/D program is not expected to affect the offender’s prison, parole, or community supervision (probation) status. Therefore, it is assured that offenders are not participating in order to enhance their chances for parole approval. Through VOM/D, the victim may receive answers to questions, which may facilitate his/her healing and recovery. It provides offenders the opportunity to take responsibility for their actions and to be accountable for the pain and suffering those actions have caused.

Victim Impact Panels (VIPP)

A victim impact panel typically consists of 2 to 4 victims/survivors who are willing and who may find it therapeutic and healing to share the details of their victimization with others. This program was designed and implemented within the division in 1999 specifically to assist victims with their recovery and healing process. The Victim Services Division also utilizes victim impact panels regularly in conjunction with many of the division training modules.

Historically, victims have been excluded from the criminal justice process, which only served to compound their confusion, frustration, pain, and anger. Speaking on a victim impact panel provides victims with an appropriate forum in which to express their feelings and talk about their victimization. Victims who have participated on victim impact panels have reported a sense of empowerment and healing as a result. Many panelists have requested to continue speaking on subsequent panels.

An additional benefit of victim impact panels is the heightened victim sensitivity and awareness that an audience gains by hearing the devastating and long-term effects of crime from the victim or a survivor of a victim. Various audiences include criminal justice professionals, victim advocate groups, offenders, and others. In FY 2007, there were 51 impact panels conducted statewide with 126 panelists participating. Over 750 individuals witnessed these panels. If you would like to learn more about the state of Texas Victim Services Division, you may contact them at 1-800-848-4824 or email victim.svc@tdcj.state.tx.us I have also added this page in my links.

Needless to say, the thought of possibly being able to confront my abuser totally stoked me. Then the opportunity of being able to serve on a panel that helps to assist in the education of domestic violence and the effects it has on the victim…well that was just icing on the cake. Filled with the excitement of my voice actually being able to be heard, I called my mother. Afterall, she has been my rock through all of this. She held me at night when I cried. When my body was consumed with paranoria, she would stay up with me til I fell asleep. She was there, every week for a year, while the MHMR Counselor came for house visits because I couldn’t leave the house. Most of all, she was there in the courtroom when I was refused my right to speak and all he got was five years probation on an aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. Which he then violated and finally was sent to the pen. Given all of this, you would think she would be happy that these options where available to me. Well, this is what she said:

You’ve moved on..I don’t really see what good it would do you to conjure up old wounds. Why can’t you just volunteer at a shelter and just leave the past where it belongs?

I immediately hung up the phone and began to cry. Had she not been paying attention? Why can’t see she that, even though it has been five years and my life is totally different from how it was then, that the scars never heal..IT NEVER GOES AWAY!! So, once I had dried my eyes, I called her back. I explained to her that this is my chance to show him that he did not defeat me. It may sound strange, but I want to thank him because without this life experience I would not be the person I am today. I also want to give forgiveness..because in another strange way..by me saying to him “I forgive you” it’s like telling myself..I forgive me.

She still didn’t seem to grasp it. That’s okay though. This isn’t about her ….. it’s about me!

Freedom from the Storm

By the hands of God, I was saved from a life of domestic violence. I had always told myself that I would be strong enough to just walk away. Unfortunately, that was not the case. When you love someone you try to see the good in them no matter what and you want to believe that they would never intentionally harm you. Since leaving my abuser, in 2003, it has been an up hill battle for not only myself but for my daughter as well. Now, almost ten years later, I can honestly say that there is “Freedom from the storm”. If you would like to hear my story, please click on the corresponding page link to the right.

What is Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence – What…?

Domestic violence may consist of threats, punches or sexual force. The abuse can range from verbal harassment to stabbing and shooting. Domestic violence is a serious matter. It HAS often ended in death or permanent physical injury.

Perhaps you are one of the many women looking for a way out. Or perhaps you grew up in an abusive home. Or just the idea of any person being physically harmed by someone who claims to ‘love’ her infuriates you. For any of these reasons, you want to make it -domestic violence- stop.

•Each year 1 million women suffer nonfatal violence by an intimate

•4 million American women experience a serious assault by an intimate partner during an average 12-month period.

•Nearly 1 in 3 adult women experience at least one physical assault by a partner during adulthood.

Most of the victims of domestic violence does not open their heart and talk about the problems they have in their homes, or try to find solutions BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.

I hope these pages will help you to find your solution and help you and your children to survive from violent situations which may happen. Also I hope you will tell me your story and give me the possibility of publishing it in my pages. “Together we can stop the cycle of domestic violence”

What is domestic abuse?

There are many forms of domestic abuse, ranging from screaming threats to pushing and shoving. Contrary to what many women think, abuse isn’t just physical battering.

Domestic abuse may include emotional abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse, using children, threats, using male privilege, intimidation, isolation and a variety of other behaviors used to maintain fear, intimidation and power. In all cultures, the perpetrators are most commonly the men of the family.

Nearly one in three adult women experiences at least one physical assault by a partner during adulthood, according to the American Psychological Association in a 1996 report.

Domestic abuse does not discriminate against race, age and socioeconomic background. No specific type of woman is more prone to being battered by her partner, nor is one type of woman completely safe from abuse

What Victims of Domestic Violence Need to Know

•The abuse is not your fault

•You don’t deserve to be abused

•You can’t change someone who is abusive

•Staying in the relationship won’t stop the abuse

•With time the abuse always gets worse

•If you stay, make a plan to keep yourself safe when the abuse happens again

•You CAN Fight Back!

Signs of Domestic Abuse

Acts of domestic violence generally fall into one or more of these categories:

•Physical battering — The abuser’s physical attacks or aggressive behavior can range from bruising to murder.

•Sexual abuse — Physical attack by the abuser is often accompanied by or culminates in, sexual violence.

•Psychological battering — The abuser’s psychological or mental violence can include constant verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolating the woman from friends and family, and depriving her of food, money, clothes, and destroying her personal property.

•Be Prepared!

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If you have been assaulted, you can report it to the police

The Criminal Code says that assault is a criminal offence. The Code describes three types of assault and sets maximum penalties (called sentences) for each type. The three types of assault are:

•Simple assault (most common assault). Examples are slapping, pushing or shoving, punching or threatening that he or she will harm you or your children.

•Assault with a weapon or causing bodily harm. Examples are an assault where you are beaten with a baseball bat or an assault where you get a black eye or broken bones.

•Aggravated assault is an assault where your life is endangered or you are wounded, maimed or disfigured. Examples are where the offender threatens to kill you or where your injuries from the assault leave you with a limp or scars.

Warning signs of an Abusive Relationship

•Are you frightened of your partner’s temper?

•Are you often compliant because you are afraid to hurt your partner’s feelings or are afraid of your partner’s anger?

•Do you have the urge to “rescue” your partner when your partner is in trouble?

•Do you find yourself apologizing to others for your partner’s behavior when you are treated badly?

•Have you been hit, kicked, shoved, or had things thrown at you by your partner when he was jealous or angry?

•Do you make decisions about activities and friends according to what your partner wants or how your partner will react?

•Do you drink or use drugs to dull the pain or join your partner so he won’t get mad?

•Do you consent easily to your partner to avoid angering him?

What are some of the warning signs?

•He is extremely jealous.

•Wants to know where you are at all times.

•Gets upset if you spend time with friends or family.

•Holds rigid expectations of male/female or adult/child role.

•He expects you to meet his emotional needs.

•Blames others and you for his problems.

•Threatens you with violence.

•There may be many other warning signs; you can phone the nearest Woman’s Shelter for further information.

•Do something before it’s too late!

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In your contact with any family member, the following observations should be considered clues to the possibility of wife assault.

•A history of wife assault or child abuse in his family of origin.

•A suspicion of child abuse or sexual abuse in his role as a father.

•Abuse of drugs or alcohol.

•A history of suicidal thoughts or suicide attempts.

•Such characteristics as:

•Impulsiveness

•Temper tantrums

•Jealousy

•Possessiveness

•Excessive dependence on his wife

•Immaturity

What do we know about abusers?

•They try to isolate victims from family and friends

•They minimize and deny their behavior

•They veil power and control over others

•They blame victims

•They distrust others

•They often have been victims or witnessed abuse

•They usually have low self-esteem

•They are not in touch with their own feelings

Preparing to Leave

•Keep evidence of abuse (i.e., pictures, police reports, etc.) in a safe place that is accessible to you.

•Know where you can go to get help; tell someone you trust what is happening to you.

•If you are injured, go to a doctor or emergency room and report what happened to you.

•Make sure that they record your visit.

•Make sure that your children know that it is their job to stay safe, not protect you.

•Keep a journal of all violent incidences.

•Start an individual savings account and have statements sent to a trusted friend. Acquire job skills.

•If you must sneak away, leave extra money, extra car keys, important papers, and extra set of clothes for yourself and children with a trusted friend (avoid family members and mutual friends who may be influenced by the abuser). Include a list of important numbers (insurance numbers, driver’s license, medication, checkbook, credit card numbers, etc.)

•Practice effective Self Defense Tricks… just in case

Getting Out:

What to do when leaving an abusive relationship?

If you are contemplating leaving an abusive relationship, there are some things you should do that may assist you in the process of leaving:

Make a safety plan

•Write down Contact Places in the community for support

•Assess your safety and that of your children

•Contact a shelter for a safe place to stay

•Seek interim custody

•Seek a support system from family, friends and advocates

•Be prepared, it helps you in a case of emergency.

Make an Escape Plan

•Make sure you have important documents

•Save money in secret when you can

•Keep extra keys and clothes with friends

•Plan out all possible escape routes – doors, first floor windows, elevators, stairwells and rehearse escape routes with your children

•Arrange a safe place to go such as a friend or relative who will offer unconditional support – or a motel, hotel, or shelter

•Memorize the telephone number of a domestic violence shelter or call 911

•Secure transportation

•Work out a signal system with a friend or other family members so that they know you are in danger

•Go when he is gone

•Don’t tell him you are leaving

•Create an excuse to slip away

•Avoid arguments in areas with potential weapons such as the kitchen, garage, or in small spaces without escape routes.

•When leaving your home, be aware. Your spouse may try to hurt you to stop you escaping.

•Start to learn self defense techniques immediately!

What can you do if you have been abused?

•You can, and you should talk to someone about the abuse.

•You can tell a family member, a friend, or your doctor

•You can also talk to a support group in your community. Women’s centres and legal aid offices may be able to tell you of other services which offer help.

You can get medical help

•If you have been hurt you can go to your doctor or to the Emergency Department at a hospital.

•If your injuries are visible you can have pictures taken. They can be used in court should you decide to lay assault charges.

•There are special medical and police procedures for sexual assault cases.

•For more information, check the Sexual Assault Department and the law in your country.

You can apply for a peace bond (in the countries where this system exist)

A peace bond or ‘recognizance’ is a paper signed by a person (such as a spouse) promising to keep the peace and be of good behavior. The peace bond may have other conditions such as requiring the person to stay away from your home or place of work. A peace bond may last for up to one year. The judge decides how long it will last.

You have to go to court to get a peace bond. You do not have to be assaulted to apply nor do you have to lay assault charges. You do have to convince the judge that you have a reasonable fear of the offender. The offender will also be in court.

Finding a Place To Go

When an assault occurs you should attempt to protect yourself. One way you might do this is to leave the home. If you don’t have a friend or family member with whom you can safely stay, and cannot afford a motel, there are shelters in your country which will accommodate you in an emergency. The RCMP or the police, if requested, will escort you out of the family home to any safe place you specify.

If there are no shelters for you in the vicinity, the Salvation Army may be able to provide temporary assistance. It might also be worthwhile to check with the local Crisis Line or Help Line which may be able to provide a list of the organizations that can help during a crisis.

National Domestic Violence/Abuse Hotline

1-800-799-SAFE
1-800-799-7233
1-800-787-3224

TDD 24-hour-a-day hotline staffed by trained counselors ready to provide immediate crisis intervention assistance to those in need. Callers can be connected directly to help in their communities, including emergency services and shelters as well as receive information and referrals, counseling and assistance in reporting abuse.

This is a vital lifeline to anyone – man, woman or child – who is a survivor of domestic violence, or who suspects that someone they know may be the victim of abuse. Calls to the hotline are confidential, and callers may remain anonymous if they wish.

“Cut the cycle of silence”

“If I can survive, so can you.”

“Be Aware and be prepared”

http://www.mental-health-today.com/ptsd/domestic/violence.htm