He Can’t Hurt You Anymore

Lydia Pappas has so beautifully written every emotion the DV survivor goes through as she is trying to rebuild and maintain her life. When I read this poem, It touched every fiber in my body. Thank you Lydia for showing us that we are not alone.

He Can’t Hurt You Anymore

Those ghosts of the past
How long do they last?

Each year
Their power over me lessens
But they’re still there
Filling me with
Terrors of old
And taunting me by saying
That when I’m old and greying
There will be no one to love me
Because I’m too scarred inside
Too broken by all his lies
And all the torture
He put me through.

But I have to remember
That I don’t have to be ashamed
Of what the past has done to me
Of my limits and fears
My unwept tears
Whatever’s left
Of those woes
Of long ago.

And I no longer have to be afraid.
Instead I can say:

It’s okay
He can’t harm you today.
It was yesterday
That you were struck down
By that foolish clown
Who hurt your children
Before your eyes
And stole your money
With clever lies

Who laughed as he said
“I wish you were dead.
But until that day
Do as I say
Or I’ll bash in your head.”

Those days are over.
He can’t hurt you anymore.

Be as kind to yourself
As you can be
And where this self-love leads you
Remains to be seen.

Don’t shut out love
When it comes your way.
Don’t be so afraid it will go away.
Try to stay close to yourself
To others
And to your feelings too,
Even the feelings
That make you feel so blue.

Domestic Violence: It’s About ME!!

After I had left my abuser, I found it quite hard to communicate how i was feeling. Mainly because unless you have had a been a victim of domestic violence, there honestly is not an easy way to affectively convey all the emotions, the flashbacks, the nightmares, the guilt and the emptiness that we face afterwards. Understandably though, no one can really know what it is like to have a loaded gun staring you right in the face unless you have been there. I was confronted with this situation just today.

I had a telephone conversation with the TDCJ (Texas Department of Criminal Justice). They were explaining to me my rights as a victim and the programs that are offered through the Victim Services Division. These two programs made me wanna reach through the phone and give her a hug.

Victim Offender Mediation/Dialogue (VOMD)

It is not uncommon for states to have victim offender dialogue programs for nonviolent offenses. The uniqueness of the TDCJ program is that it has been developed for victims of violent crime. The VOM/D process can only be initiated at the request of the victim, and offender participation is voluntary. If an offender chooses to participate, he/she must admit guilt and take responsibility for the offense. Either party may withdraw from the VOM/D process at any time. Participation in the VOM/D program is not expected to affect the offender’s prison, parole, or community supervision (probation) status. Therefore, it is assured that offenders are not participating in order to enhance their chances for parole approval. Through VOM/D, the victim may receive answers to questions, which may facilitate his/her healing and recovery. It provides offenders the opportunity to take responsibility for their actions and to be accountable for the pain and suffering those actions have caused.

Victim Impact Panels (VIPP)

A victim impact panel typically consists of 2 to 4 victims/survivors who are willing and who may find it therapeutic and healing to share the details of their victimization with others. This program was designed and implemented within the division in 1999 specifically to assist victims with their recovery and healing process. The Victim Services Division also utilizes victim impact panels regularly in conjunction with many of the division training modules.

Historically, victims have been excluded from the criminal justice process, which only served to compound their confusion, frustration, pain, and anger. Speaking on a victim impact panel provides victims with an appropriate forum in which to express their feelings and talk about their victimization. Victims who have participated on victim impact panels have reported a sense of empowerment and healing as a result. Many panelists have requested to continue speaking on subsequent panels.

An additional benefit of victim impact panels is the heightened victim sensitivity and awareness that an audience gains by hearing the devastating and long-term effects of crime from the victim or a survivor of a victim. Various audiences include criminal justice professionals, victim advocate groups, offenders, and others. In FY 2007, there were 51 impact panels conducted statewide with 126 panelists participating. Over 750 individuals witnessed these panels. If you would like to learn more about the state of Texas Victim Services Division, you may contact them at 1-800-848-4824 or email victim.svc@tdcj.state.tx.us I have also added this page in my links.

Needless to say, the thought of possibly being able to confront my abuser totally stoked me. Then the opportunity of being able to serve on a panel that helps to assist in the education of domestic violence and the effects it has on the victim…well that was just icing on the cake. Filled with the excitement of my voice actually being able to be heard, I called my mother. Afterall, she has been my rock through all of this. She held me at night when I cried. When my body was consumed with paranoria, she would stay up with me til I fell asleep. She was there, every week for a year, while the MHMR Counselor came for house visits because I couldn’t leave the house. Most of all, she was there in the courtroom when I was refused my right to speak and all he got was five years probation on an aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. Which he then violated and finally was sent to the pen. Given all of this, you would think she would be happy that these options where available to me. Well, this is what she said:

You’ve moved on..I don’t really see what good it would do you to conjure up old wounds. Why can’t you just volunteer at a shelter and just leave the past where it belongs?

I immediately hung up the phone and began to cry. Had she not been paying attention? Why can’t see she that, even though it has been five years and my life is totally different from how it was then, that the scars never heal..IT NEVER GOES AWAY!! So, once I had dried my eyes, I called her back. I explained to her that this is my chance to show him that he did not defeat me. It may sound strange, but I want to thank him because without this life experience I would not be the person I am today. I also want to give forgiveness..because in another strange way..by me saying to him “I forgive you” it’s like telling myself..I forgive me.

She still didn’t seem to grasp it. That’s okay though. This isn’t about her ….. it’s about me!

Freedom from the Storm

By the hands of God, I was saved from a life of domestic violence. I had always told myself that I would be strong enough to just walk away. Unfortunately, that was not the case. When you love someone you try to see the good in them no matter what and you want to believe that they would never intentionally harm you. Since leaving my abuser, in 2003, it has been an up hill battle for not only myself but for my daughter as well. Now, almost ten years later, I can honestly say that there is “Freedom from the storm”. If you would like to hear my story, please click on the corresponding page link to the right.